The Secret of Understanding Women

Treasure Found! A random website you stumbled upon is going to teach me the ancient, well guarded secret of understanding women? That’s right, Bob!

So, you’re thinking.. “Yeah Right! This golden advice isn’t just given away free. I don’t know this person, why should I read this?”

I’ll tell you why

Since you’re here, chances are, you screwed up. You might not believe that you screwed up, but whatever the case is, you’re here to fix it.

Well, I’m not a flower shop. I don’t sell apology cards. I don’t offer counseling services. I’m not a diamond ring salesperson. I will not come to your place at 2a.m and magically drag you out of the dog house. However, I can save you MILLIONS of dollars by switching your car insurance to Ge.. NO!.. get outta here gecko!

Sorry about that. ๐Ÿ˜‚. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah!

Free Advice for Men

So, what brings you here? Are you tired of the same daily drama associated with your girlfriend or wife who is NEVER happy? She’s impossible. She’s probably only bitching at you to make your life miserable. Don’t worry.. I’m not a feminist, keep reading. Thanks.

Dudes: I’m not going to completely bash you. It’s probably not your fault, in general. However, if you aren’t able to omit the following circumstances where it could possibly, in fact be your fault, you’re definitely in the wrong place because I’m not a douche advisor. Moving along (yeah, I know. I’m a typical female and I ramble on and on about irrelevant things. Deal with it, I’m not your girl and I will stab you in the neck with a screwdriver if you.. oh wait, sorry. ๐Ÿ˜)

List of things I can’t help you with:

  • Are you a cheater? Does your ex keep calling you when she’s drunk? Is your Facebook newsfeed full of stuff like this?

..but sadly without the meme. Translation- Are there tons of half naked selfie sluts in your messenger or timeline? But, we’re just friends. Ok. Then I’m sure you won’t mind meeting my bestest Facebook friend Rodrigo

Disclaimer This is not Rodrigo. I don’t know who this random guy is. If this is you, search for ‘sexy man selfie’ and investigate the source lol

Anyway, you get the point. I can’t help you with your whoremongering douche syndrome. Quit gawking at sluts and expecting her to not be mad at you.. especially if you haven’t told her how beautiful you think she is.

  • Are you an asshat for no reason? Did you transform from a Knight on a white horse ๐ŸŽ  to a wart filled bullfrog overnight? At the beginning of your relationship, did you bend over backwards for her? Did you walk side by side with her holding her hand and gaze into her eyes everytime she spoke? Did you wake up extra early on cold mornings so you could scrape the ice off her car windows? But, NOW you sit around in sweat pants playing video games ๐ŸŽฎ๐Ÿ•นall day and make fart jokes while she’s crying about her bad day. Sorry, can’t help you here either. Ribbit Ribbit ๐Ÿธ
  • Is she unemployed but yet you still pay for daycare for some reason? Are her nails and hair always perfect, but the dishes are stacked up to the ceiling? Does she blame you for working too much when you ask her why she was having midday mojitos with the maintenance guy? ..But make you feel bad if you take a day off and can’t afford to pay for her $1200 ugly purse this week? How many likes does she have on her half naked selfie that you didn’t see because she banned you from Facebook because some nerdy girl from middle school asked you how you’ve been? (How dare you talk to that ho!) I can’t help you here either. In fact I’m still trying to figure out why these types of women are showered in diamonds merely because they exist, but that’s a different post altogether.
  • Do you ignore her when you’re home and take her for granted without even realizing it? I’m going to stop right here with the list because I’m about to get to the point FINALLY.
The book you THINK you need

Party on Wayne, Party on Garth

If you aren’t guilty of being a huge dick nugget, you still show her respect and love -and- she’s not a selfish gold digging slut bag, then what’s the problem? I’ll tell you. However, you have to promise me that you will do something extra nice for her just because you love her, ok? I’m holding you to it. I’ll track down your IP address and ask her myself just to make sure! I’m not a psychopath, please keep reading ๐Ÿ˜ฒ.

Psst, ladies.. email me for the post I wrote last week about where to bury the body. I had to take it down temporarily..

Oh crap, you’re still here, I got distracted, sorry. Stay tuned for my review of this purple weed. I think it’s called Wonka. It’s amazing. It’s almost as if I’m actually at the chocolate factory..

Blame it on my A.D.D. baby..

Ok, I’ll tell you this time (If you’re still here)

How do I say this without pissing anyone off?

Who cares lol, here goes.. I want you to close your eyes and try to remember the last thing that she bitched at you for. I’m sure you don’t remember, because you probably tuned her out completely. It’s understandable. I totally get it. It’s nerve-wracking and it makes you want to slap her. Don’t worry, I’m not into spousal abuse, so you can keep reading .. (unless you have a whip.. and you know what a bad girl I’ve been). Sorry, that’s also an entirely different post.

๐Ÿ”ฎI predict that I’m going to need some Adderall soon๐Ÿ”ฎ

No more distractions.

Listen to me, damnit!

Try to remember the very first time she bitched at you. I’m positive that you remember, because it was the first time you saw her without her mask. You probably think about it often. Maybe even to the point where everytime you look at her nowadays the only thing you see is a bitch. All you hear is the screeching siren sound of her yapping and nagging. Am I right?

But, if you’re seriously wondering how to figure her out, and you are truly interested in making her happy again, then the ONLY damn thing you need to do is LISTEN and ACT. It’s not hard to do, at all. Men have this insane misconception that we wake up every morning plotting a scheme about what we’re going to bitch at you about that day. Lol. It’s quite amusing that you can really be dumb enough to think we are all childish. (Some women are, sadly.) I can’t wrap my mind around the thought process that men have.


Man: What’s wrong?

Woman: “You promised me that you’d do the dishes last night and that you’d take me out tonight, but you didn’t do either of those things. You seem so distant lately. You keep forgetting about me and it makes me want to cry. I feel like you just don’t care anymore.”

Man: (Instantly regrets asking; still didn’t hear her answer; actually did listen, and thinks it’s a stupid reason to be mad; assumes that there MUST BE a completely different reason other than the things she just CLEARLY and DESCRIPTIVELY explained; pretends to understand and seems regretful, but yet continues to do it over and over and over and over again; denies it and calls her delusional; snaps back on the defensive with an unrelated thing the woman did 5 years ago that annoyed him, but he never mentioned it before, and probably hasn’t thought about it until now when he couldn’t find anything else to fire back with; says nothing

Does this sound familiar? Well, if you’re still here and REALLY want the nagging to stop, do us ALL a favor.

YES! I AM speaking on behalf of ALL women (unless you’re a vain, gold digging hoochie)

The one and ONLY thing that you need to do is LISTEN to what she’s been bitching at you about for the last 10 years and STOP or START doing them. How easy is that? It’s not rocket science. Just because she’s complaining endlessly about things that you find insignificant, it doesn’t mean that she’s lying to you about what’s wrong.

We are not like men, at all. When we clearly explain to you what’s wrong repeatedly and you continue to disregard it, it becomes extremely exhausting and it makes us more insane everyday. We aren’t that complicated, honestly.

This is the only book you’ll ever need to read if you truly want to understand women.. idiot! ๐Ÿ˜

So, in regards to the very first thing she’s ever bitched about (do you remember my make believe scenario from earlier, or did you totally disregard that too? Lmao). Go do the damn dishes, use your creativity to think of somewhere nice to take her.. remember, you promised you’d take her out tonight. Or did you just say that stuff to shut her up? Doesn’t matter though. Either way, a promise is a promise no matter what. Stay true to your word. Also, do you remember what she said about how she feels like you don’t care? Well, damnit use a little bit of EFFORT to make her stop feeling that way. Surprise her with something simple like a Post-It note that says ‘I love you’ on the mirror, or make her dinner with candle light. ANYTHING. It doesn’t take a detailed manual to make most of us happy for God sakes! Do you now realize how easy it is to make the bitching stop? Most of us really aren’t that difficult to understand.

But wait, there’s more!

This is also an ongoing process. You need to be the same man that you were when you first met. Back then I’m sure you went out of your way to make her happy and trust you, right? So why is it so hard to understand that the minute you stopped doing the little things that gave her butterflies, she started feeling like you didn’t care anymore. Almost as if she doesn’t deserve it anymore because she isn’t worth it. It really isn’t much. If you can’t keep your word and be the man that you gave her the illusion that you were, then you need to either BE that man, or just leave.

Hear no evil ๐Ÿ™‰, See no evil๐Ÿ™ˆ, Speak no evil๐Ÿ™Š

If you can’t do that one SIMPLE thing and LISTEN, then in our eyes, you really don’t care, and the bitching will probably never stop. The ball is in your court.

I’m 100% confident that if you listen to the advice I just gave you for free (licensed psychiatrists and fake internet gurus charge hundreds of dollars for that EXACT SAME INFORMATION) you’ll notice that your life will become SO much easier. It’s amazing how much happier overall she is when you LISTEN. She’ll probably even go back to being the sweet, fun woman who she was when you first met her.

So, instead of complaining about her bitching and wondering constantly about what you did wrong, or blaming your lack of affection on her bitchyness, remember everything you just read and DO IT. She’ll return to her old self in no time, you’ll see! Do you really need a huge book to figure that out?

I just gave you the key to happiness and enlightenment. Use it wisely, grasshoppa.

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